I have been confused and angry and hurt, not just for myself but for my children. During this pandemic many of you have been forcefully isolated from loved ones but you can see them on Zoom or hear them by phone so that you know they are still alive and probably sane. But I have not had this kind of communication with either Espe or Mica the last two years. My children have been isolated in a way that is unusual and strange. Since the “beginning” when we received a cryptic email demanding no contact a week before Espe was scheduled to arrive for Christmas in 2017, six months after marrying Jameson, I have wanted to reach out, to talk to them, to demand an explanation. I thought it was perhaps “my marriage”, my sadness, that had created pain in our family these last few years. (Maybe this is my narcissism Espe?) When Jameson said things about Scott and me that I thought were beyond belief and had me wondering what kind of person had Espe married, I was told to think about conflict, to reach out and communicate (we were blocked), to let it pass, to not further estrange them, that my children are smart and would be okay, that I should “lay off”, that what I say could embarrass them. I was told, “I don’t know your children well, maybe they want this”, or that publishing on social media will give unkind people a way to be vengeful, and create more pain. And finally, that the people with whom Espe and Mica are associating could be dangerous, and may have me “swatted” or worse. I was told to remember the good, the love, the joy that I had shared with my children during all our years together.
I was told all of this but I have not heard Espe (in 2022 identifies as Phoenix with they/he pronouns) or Mica (identified as Manon she/her pronouns until 2018) say anything about a reason for the sudden and seemingly inexplicable request for no contact. I have not heard their voices at all. So I’m publishing piece by piece what I know, and the records I have, in the hopes that some of it will reach Espe and Mica, and that we can put together what I know with what they know and figure out what has happened. I’m publishing on two blogs, varabyways.joomla.com, and www.varabyways.org and sharing on social media with Twitter, @VaraByWays, Facebook and Instagram, @pipervara.
I’ve started many posts and letters. I’ve sent messages to Espe and Mica, knowing that they will probably never read them.
I’m writing about what I know, hoping that some of this will reach my missing children, and that with the help of family and friends we can break the silence, try to help them if they need or want it, and show them our love for them. Because I don’t know what has happened, or is happening with my children, and I suspect that they have been harmed, I hope that by sharing letters, posts, and what I actually know, by giving you all of my pieces, that I will have some answers and my children will know that they have been and are always loved by me.
I hope that what I write will convince my children that I will always value, respect and love them, that lives are short and memories shorter, and that they can be whatever they want, with whomever they wish, but that I want them to be safe, and I want to be a part of whatever life they choose. I, however, will not be here for Jameson (in 2022 identifies as Rafael Mellifera, until 2016, identified as Alisa Ortiz, she/her pronouns), or ever welcome him into my house again. As he told Scott and the police in Portland when we called for a well visit for Espe, because she was missing, and she had recently been in the hospital,… as Jameson told us “I am not your son, and Espe is not my wife.” (Maybe he was referring to a recent change in pronouns?)
If Jameson is "not my son" then does that mean they are not married? If so, then he is guilty of extortion (he took Espe's money) and pimping (he prostituted her).
So I’ve started this blog called VaraByWays.joomla.com. where I will be posting what I do know about the life in which my family finds itself. I am not being disrespectful of any person (by whichever name or pronoun they are now known, and I recognize their identities) but I will try to avoid confusion as I write about them.
I’m not sure what they have said about Scott or me. There was a letter posted to Facebook in the spring 2018 that we did not receive because we were blocked from Espe’s account. So they are clearly capable of saying things about us to others. This posted letter said that we did not respect Jameson, Espe’s husband, or her marriage, and that they were not using drugs. Twice in the last two years the police have been called—once because they had abandoned their apartment in NYC, and once because Espe was missing, maybe in Tijuana. The police asked “Do you know if drugs are involved?” and I said “No, I don’t think drugs are involved.” just trusting this posted letter, because that was what was said. But it’s not true because we do respect Espe, and her marriage with Jameson. And twice the police have said that we should not give them more money. (During this time family and friends suggested that I not respond to any accusations, and that I not insist on answers, to keep “the peace”, to let them be.)
No conflict had existed between my children and me. Any accusations or “explanations” for their wish to have “no contact” with us, have been made to other people, or in the form of letters from Jameson, or posts, or texts. I have not directly ever heard anything from Espe or from Mica. In fact, Espe said she wanted to talk to us each month in July of 2018, and Mica said that he would call, and Walt said that they did not think they would be apart from us for so long (whatever this means).
But I could not listen to the advice from the police about money. This week, a checking account I have shared with Espe since 2010 was closed. Since the email at Christmas breaking off contact, I have not been positive that it was Espe taking the money I occasionally put into the account we shared, but I liked to think that she did have a little money of her own, and that she could access this account if she needed it. The bank cannot verify that it was Espe who closed the account or even why there was a note that said “bankrupt”. They are looking into this. Espe called her Grandma (my mother) last week, in one of the rare phone calls she occasionally makes to her, and talked about not having much money, and Izzy, my mother-in-law, received the text described below and then asks us if she should send money, and Mica has given up his service dog, Buffy, and moved yet again to a smaller apartment. So there’s money being discussed, and I fear that Espe may be placed into a position to earn money in hurtful ways.
I believe this is the position in which Espe may have been placed in 2018, (You can’t see what you won’t see…instagram @pipervara) blocking our offers of support with a “no contact” demand, and taking away everything from her, so that they could controll and humiliate her, hurt our family, and gain access to a source of ill-gotten income.
Sometimes I believe that my children have been threatened into silence.
Last year Espe told her Grandma, “All my money is gone.” In March just as the pandemic was hitting, my mother called me to say that she had received a call from Espe, that Espe was in jail and needed money. My mother said it sounded like Espe, but with a sore throat. So perhaps it's been Jameson calling all along and pretending to be Espe. He would call, pretend to be Espe, and say that her mom did not pay her bills and that was why she was not talking to me. Was this just part of Jameson's scam to get Grandma to send money so that Espe would talk to me? Because Grandma cannot call Espe and hears little about her, and she, like all of us, loves and misses her, she is vulnerable to being used as a source of funds. Jameson, Espe’s husband, told us about his idea that he would not work and that he would declare bankruptcy to avoid paying his school debts. Is this what happened? We tried to tell Espe that this was not right. But we were unable to have any more influence with her, because six months after Jameson married Espe, we were blocked from contacting her, or seeing anything about her that wasn't from Jameson.
Early on I wrote to Jameson’s parents for help with the silence, and later for help to resolve the issue of their abandoned apartment in 2018. There’s more about this later in this blog. I have not heard from Jameson’s dad since the wedding in May 2017, but I recently received an unkind email from my daughter’s mother-in-law which I’ll also publish soon on this blog, Vara By Ways.
I'm angry.
Many nights I wake up sleepless with nightmares about Espe and Mica. I have not abandoned them or forgot about them and I each day I try to figure out ways to reach out to them. My mother-in-law called me up one day while I was putting together beds for a Covid-19 homeless shelter and said that she had received a text back from Espe and/or Jameson (Alisa) I said I could talk later, that Scott was not available and I was busy. She said that if I said anything she would hang up. She asked “Has Walt talked to you about them” and I said “No” and my heart filled with fear, what is it now? (I’m hesitant to ask Walt anything. He has his life to figure out and I don’t like putting him into a position where he feels he can’t be open or truthful. Our family is in a lot of pain.) Mother-in-Law said “If Walt is not talking to you about them then I’m not either.” And, she continued, “Espe and Jameson want nothing to do with you or Scott. Leave them alone. They are being safe and doing what they want to do. You are like a mother cat crying for her kittens when they wander off. I don’t know who to believe. You have no rights in this matter. You do not have the right to know why they are not talking to you.”
So, I’ve started a blog called VaraByWays.joomla.com where I will be posting what I do know about the life in which Espe and Mica find themselves. I’m also sharing on Instagram @pipervara. Someday I’ll publish a story of Mother and her children.
At this time, I do not want to create more hurt or make it impossible for Espe and Mica to talk to anyone. I want to break the silence. And I don’t want to have the regret of thinking I could have said more, or been more open, or talked about this. That I could have asked for help but I didn’t.
My goal is to reach Phoenix (Espe) and Mica, through all of you, with these posts, and to put an end to this torturous silence, to tell Phoenix and Mica that they are loved, respected, and valued, and that they will always be welcome in my home, and I hope, yours too.
